Midnight Musings


Executive dysfunction is kicking my ass. That and life are really giving it to me. There’s just been so much going on that I haven’t had a chance to catch my breath, and getting any of it done has been a Sisyphean task. It’s been six years now since my life got upended, longer really if we’re being honest, and I wound up in a place where writing was my best option to get out. 

That’s still true. Writing and editing would allow me the flexibility to take care of my kid while also earning an income, now that I’m in the middle of a divorce and currently the only one actually supporting the kid I share with my ex. Then there’s the degree I’m trying to complete, a chance to actually volunteer at her school that I thought my ex had robbed me of, and oh yeah food insecurity and homelessness. Plus, you know, trying to work. 

It’s been a fun few years. 

I have so many projects in the fire right now, it’s thrilling to see what the future holds. Champion of the Dead is in the hands of beta readers. Tales From Hell is awaiting the much-needed edits kicked back by my wonderful editor. I’m now working on finishing the second first draft of Neophyte of Decimus, which I finally got around to rewriting. I’ve also tried to write for (and put on hiatus) writing for Medium and Vocal. There are also those two anthologies I need to get around to writing one story for and polishing the second. Then you squeeze in my attempts at practicing narration so I can maybe record my own audiobooks and then hopefully record for others. I’m also looking into building my own YouTube channel. No one can rightfully accuse me of being lazy here. 

But folks, it’s killing me. It’s exhausting being the only parent on call. I do get limited help from family, but when I say it’s limited, I mean they’ve pretty much calculated the bare minimum they need to do to make sure my kid doesn’t wind up going to my ex, and it’s occasionally held over my head. As a result, projects are taking longer than I wanted them to. Tales From Hell was supposed to be out two years ago. I had so many hopes for Champion being further along. Or hell, even had hope at one point Neophyte of Decimus would be my first official novel. 

When I started my blog I had every intention of posting regularly, but there’s so much on my plate, and only so many hours in the day. And my kid is young enough to still need me there. She’s not quite self-sufficient enough to turn loose for a while on her own and that eats into a lot of my time as well. Not that I regret the time spent with her. That’s why I make time with her. Because I don’t want her growing up to think that one dad all but abandoned her and the other worked too hard. But it’s affecting my ability to keep things going. 

In an ideal world, my ex wouldn’t have been the person he wound up being. But I was young and desperate to get away from my family. A that I’m now relying on to get me out of the mess I had been trying to flee by marrying him in the first place. It’s hard. 

It’s my dream to do a rapid-release model someday. And I suspect that once my life balances out I can manage that. It’s not my motivation it’s the fact that my flimsy paper plate is full of things I’m barely managing to carry with both hands. Some days it’s a miracle I’m able to function at all. 

But I’m alive. My kid is fed and healthy. There is a roof over our heads (even if it’s sometimes weaponized against me) and I’m finally in a place that I can get my health sorted. I can finally transition too, and getting to experience trans joy is a panacea for my weary soul I never thought I’d find. 

I had planned to release Tales From Hell this year, but there is too much on my plate and something has to ease up. That was the easiest thing to extend. Sucks, because it’s been brewing so long, but once it’s in your hands I think you’ll love it. And I’m still working on it. I do write most days still, I just altered my daily word goal. It’s currently at 200 instead of 2000 right now, to save my sanity. Some days I manage as many as 1000 but a lot of days I still write more than 200. I’m getting there. 

My life has been one hell of a journey. It’s taken me so long to get to a place where I actually feel like maybe I’ll make it after all. Having the deck stacked against me from birth has definitely posed a unique set of challenges. And, lastly, if you can relate to any of this, or anything else I’ve written, keep going. I can’t promise it’ll get better, but it won’t change if you don’t try.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *