Happy 2024 everyone! So much has happened in the last year that it’s hard to quantify everything I’ve done as well as everything I survived. But survive I did. It certainly wasn’t easy, mind you, but while things are still difficult, I started this year off on a better trajectory. For a lot of reasons. But I’m leaving behind in 2023 some things that were never good for me and had been holding me back.
Of course, I’m hesitant to say it will be all sunshine and roses from this point out. While things have gotten better, it’s a long road out of the hell I’ve found myself in for quite some time now. However, working on my personal goals and releasing two books last year helped give me the resolve to change. Because while things needed changing, it was something only I could do.
That applies to many things in life, both big and small. Insignificant and insurmountable. But I’m not here to talk about the details. I’m here to talk broadly about how I got here, and where I’m planning on heading next.
A lot of what held me back for 20+ years was fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. But also fear of success. Growing up I heard a lot about how worthless I was. That my value was what I provided others. And it was hard to shake. Every time I’d hit a milestone, I’d freak out because those old messages had become core beliefs. I’m still working on unpacking them, but while I still seem to believe that I’ll amount to nothing, I have proof that people enjoy my work. That I’m not a failure. And while those core beliefs are stuck fast I am learning to work around them. Self-care is a huge part of it. Using those coping skills I’ve been practicing to mitigate the feelings. Doing the hard things that need doing in order to not fall flat on my face. And even the little things too, they have their place as well. Indulging in a favorite sweet (dark salted chocolate being my favorite) can help us weather life’s various storms. But it wasn’t all internalized toxic beliefs I left behind.
I also wound up walking away from numerous people who wound up being bad for my mental health. Part of it is that we’ve grown over the years, and in a lot of respects, it was in different directions. But it was also the slipping of masks I hadn’t noticed, being too accustomed to how two-faced those around me were growing up. When abuse and toxicity are normalized, we let a lot of things slide that we probably shouldn’t, and for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s because we don’t recognize it for what it is, having grown up in chaos. Or it’s because we developed a wildly high distress tolerance that blinded us to what was going on. And sometimes it’s because we don’t want to let go. Sure, they’re a problematic person, but wasn’t that one ex worse? Weren’t our parents far more toxic and insidious? The stories we tell ourselves to keep the peace can be just as insidious because they allow us to repeat the same cycles, making excuses for problematic behavior, for things that no one should rightly put up with.
When a person breaks a cycle, it’s no easy feat. There can often be several “come to Jesus” moments where we have to face the reality of what we’ve endured, and whether we want to pass those things on. And it’s not for the faint of heart. But if we don’t break the cycle for us, it repeats with others. Maybe not with children, not if you don’t have any, but in romantic relationships, where we date the same people over and over again. In friendships, where we allow people to use us because it’s all we’ve ever known. With family, who never had our welfare in mind. And breaking that cycle can be brutal. People who aren’t used to boundaries will push back, being so used to walking all over you. Friendships end when you start learning how to say no. Marriages dissolve when you are no longer walking on eggshells.
But once you’re past all that, once you’ve cut off the toxic people and moved on, things get better. There is life outside of the pain and suffering you’ve known. Opportunities you never would have had before. New friendships that appreciate you. Romantic relationships where you are treasured for who you are and not what you provide. And a whole new world with new possibilities opens up, and suddenly you know that things might not stay stable but you know you will be okay.
In the coming year, I have a couple of projects I’m hoping to be able to release, that I think you’ll at least find interesting. I want to wait until they’re further along to announce what they are, but I haven’t been idle for all I’ve been quiet. Burnout is a real problem, one I’m still facing, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been slacking (not that there is any such thing.) I would love to release another novel this year, but we’ll see. I’m not done with the first draft of the second book yet, having thrown out so many words last year, which threw off my plan. But that’s okay. Because life isn’t always sunshine and roses. But those roses need rain if they are to bloom, so the storm my life has been in will bear fruit. I’ve already made progress on my new projects, after all, projects that draw directly from the hurricane I was trying to survive.
Beyond the excitement of brand-new projects, I also made some New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to be working on microfiction this year. I love the idea of telling stories in roughly 300 words or less, so I am excited to finally knuckle down and try this out. And so far the pieces have been disastrous. But in the immortal words of Jake the Dog, “sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something.” Few people start out masters of their craft, after all. And I am no different. There is a reason I won’t look at my first novel and could barely finish reading my second. Both of which will be finished someday.
I also vowed to work on my poetry. It’s an art form I’m not as familiar with, so I’ve been doing that thing where you learn more, and practice more, and I’m going to work on that in 2024 as well. Poetry as self-expression is beautiful if you know what you like and can find it. It’s also one of the hardest sells for that reason. But I don’t expect to make oodles of money off it. I just want to release it in case it speaks to someone, so they know others have gone through what they are or did and isn’t that the most basic human need? Humanity is social by nature, and feeling that connection to someone else, even for the briefest of moments, can be absolutely profound.
I also have some essays I’m looking to publish, once they’re ready. I think I have a place interested in them, I just need to finish them up before I send them off. Once I have more information available on those I’ll let you all know. But having grown up in the Filipino diaspora, I know I have experienced things that others are unaware of, and I want to help start those discussions. By telling my story, in bits and pieces, I’m hoping to both reach people who would be otherwise unaware, and signal to my fellow Filipinos that they’re not alone. Because growing up in a culture different from the dominant one in your country, when you or your family are immigrants, it’s not always a pretty story. But it’s one that more people should talk about.
Hopefully, it won’t be so long until my next blog post, but I wanted to pop by and let you know I’m still alive, I’m still here, and I’m still doing everything I need to do to make sure that me and my kid are hanging in there. Things are changing, and they hurt right now, but it won’t hurt forever. And the changes were long due anyway. The things I’m letting go of were never good for me, but I hadn’t grown enough to see that until this year. May 2024 bring the change my life, and yours, has so desperately needed, and may the flowers in our lives bloom all the brighter for it.