Three AM and I are unfortunate friends. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled to sleep well. Even as a baby sleep eluded me, and it’s only gotten easier as I’ve gotten older. Three AM is said to be the time of artists and dreamers, but with it comes a few demons as well. I’m never up at three AM because I want to be, after all. And it’s the time of night, when the world is still, that the deep dark recesses of my mind remember the things that I’d rather just forget.
I try to channel the anxiety, restlessness, and inner turmoil that accompanies three AM into my work, but it’s not always successful. For some reason, the filter between my thoughts and my ability to express that becomes cloudy and difficult to work around then usually. Circumventing it works sometimes, but it could go either way as far as actual usable content. I suspect that my chaotic thoughts are more difficult to wrangle at that hour because, well, I’m not up because I want to be. I’m up because I can’t sleep. Sometimes it’s due to little worries from during the day that become a lot more insistent. Sometimes it’s because, being mentally ill, insomnia is part of the whole package for me. Sometimes the problems from the day, too, were so big and overwhelming that I struggle to process it and it affects my ability to sleep.
After a lifetime of struggling with insomnia I’ve come to the realization that I just have to live with it. Some demons you can wrangle and vanquish, but some demons you have to learn to live with. Some demons are so deeply entwined with you that they never fully go away so much as slumber in the dark corners of my mind, waiting for an opportunity to rise. Those are the demons I’ve struggled over my life to make peace with. Fighting it is useless and often makes things worse. Going with the flow, doing what I can to manage is all I can do, but that’s okay. Creativity might be dodgy at that hour but there are things I can do instead. For me, 3 AM gives me a chance to work on hobbies, or work on content that is writing adjacent (such as this post, conveniently started at 3:08 AM) so it’s not hopeless. Maybe with enough time I’ll be able to use the time more effectively, but right now I just have to go with the flow. It’s all I can really do after all.